Liar Liar Pants On Fire

When I started this blog I was gung ho about having a place to write about me and my thoughts and what I was feeling. I was gonna go for full transparency. The title here tells it all, really. I have not been honest with myself. I have edited my feelings and my thoughts. I let the fear that others would be offended or embarrassed shackle me. I was petrified that my secret self would become known and that no one would ever speak to me again. I am at a stage in my life where I am forced to look me square in the eye and confront what I see there. The thing is that what I see scares me to death. I spent a lifetime letting the hurts that others have caused me determine my path and not for the better. I will talk about those things that were done to me and the things I allowed to happen and the things I should have not done. I will share on this blog my joys, my triumphs and my pain. I am praying that since I cannot afford medications and years of therapy that this will help me to heal and to grow stronger. Journey with me if you dare, if you have positive or negative feedback it will be welcomed. I am lost right now but this is the first step on the road to health and healing for me.

UPROOTED

I am still unemployed, and I have had to be uprooted yet again. One month ago I had to once again leave Jacksonville and go to Milwaukee. My mother is gravely ill. The last time I came here I lost my lucrative accounts and have yet to recover from that. I am making less than 50.00 a week and it is maddening. I do not have the needed to take on big projects because she needs constant attention. This is so very frustrating. I am thinking of going to the Home Health aid company and applying to be compensated for my work. I need an income. I have put on 25lbs from pure stress. I miss being in Florida it is already getting cold here. I lost my boyfriend last year and my best friend is holding my room for the day I return. I have been putting in at least 25 resumes a day on career builder with nothing to show for it...ugh I am feeling defeated but I will not go backward. I have been wanting to self medicate but that is not what I need. If I get a job call I must pass the piss test lol...will keep y'all posted...living in recovery is hard especially without a support group.

Domestic violence and drug Abuse

Many people who grow up in homes where abuse is prevalent turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with a life that they cannot control. The feelings of helplessness and fear are so great that they prefer to walk around in a haze to the reality of their lives. I lived this life by age 7 I was a full blown alcoholic and it progressed from there. The beatings, the sexual abuse and the emotional abuse was ongoing in my home and I just wanted out.

HONESTY

If you have a problem with transparency then you should not follow this blog i will talk openly and honestly about all aspects of my life. Yes this includes sexuality and some of it may be explicit. I ahve to write this blog the only way I know and often it will seem disjointed but that is just how my mind is. You see I live a shattered existence in more ways than one.

Life after Addiction

First I would like to say Happy Mothers Day to all of you. I would have liked to have heard that from the mouth of the children I gave birth to but I guess that will not happen today. It is all a part of living with the consequences of my failure as a person. 

Long ago I took the cowards way out of a bad situation. I ran instead of standing and fighting. I allowed fear of others turn me into persona non gratis in my children's lives. Now that I am older, cleaner and wiser I want to rebuild some of my life's bridges, there were not many that were completely destroyed but they all could use a face lift.

I love myself today and i now see myself as a capable human being but I still have a long way to go to make something out of what is left of my life. right now I an trying my hand at internet marketing but getting seed money to try those passive cash flow schemes is not easy. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Its complicated

What I find that people who are not addicted to anything do not understand is that the addictive personality is a complicated one. Take my life for instance I was in so much emotional pain all of my life that I do not see how I am not dead. I guess it is because if there is a hell I do not want to go there.  I am trying to remember moments of my childhood when i was happy and liked myself and in truth there are none.I remember feeling less than even as far back as kindergarten. I was made fun of for being short haired, dark and for having eczema. The single most painful event from that time period is the little girl from the farm down the road that had played with me all of my life turned on me and became my worst nightmare. I think a lot of my inability to make friends started right then. I get jealous when I see people who have been in each others lives forever, I get jealous because there is no one person who knows me at all. People know of me but no one really knows me inside.I do not have anyone to reminisce about the good old days with. My hurts has always kept me on the outside looking in. 

Waking Up

I have been clean a long time but I have still been addicted to much. I over eat I smoke and I still have a few beers now and then. I manage not to do any hard core drugs but these other addictions are taking their toll on my health. I am going through all of this alone without a friend or any other type of support system. Thank God for the Florida quit for life line. They are helping to quit smoking cigarettes without realizing how much more I needed. I take what I learn from my quit coach to handle other cravings like the ones I still get from my crack addiction. This is hard and with things going from bad to worse for me financially it is getting harder to stay the course. I am trying to turn my life around but it seems I am the only one that wants that. It is so hard sometimes, I can't find steady work, I can't get medical attention and this past month I became $800.00 in debt because of Amazon. I sold on their site for a third party, this person did not ship the items in time and now that all of the orders are shipped they are withholding my payment for 90 days. Now that would not be so bad but my credit union has already been hit for my portion of the wholesale payments for the products, hence the $800.00 is a lot of money for someone who is living virtually hand to mouth. In 90 days I will lose my bank account and my place to live. Some days death would be better but I cannot allow myself to think like this for much longer.

Quitting

Well I know it is hard to diet at the best of times but now I am also quitting smoking too. you may be wondering how that is working for me. Not so great, even with the patch I am craving and to keep from smoking I am slamming mountain dew too and snacking a lot more. We will see I am determined to stop smoking even if I do not lose any weight.

Alimony outrage: Why people are demanding change|ActionNewsJax.com | Jacksonville News, Weather, Sports | WTEV-TV

Alimony outrage: Why people are demanding change|ActionNewsJax.com | Jacksonville News, Weather, Sports | WTEV-TV

Dang I agree with there needs to be reform. alimony and child support should be more fairly distributed. I mean the way it is now it is done on percentage no matter if the person can live on what is left after paying or not. Some men/women do not need as much support as others and each case should be judged accordingly.

ADDICTION

I listen to or read about how others feel about people who are addicted to substances. Most of their hatred is based in misguided idealism that it is a choice. For me I do not believe I have ever had a choice. If I had known that I would end up the way I am today I would have never taken that first drink when I was seven years old. As for my crack/cocaine addiction the only choice I had with it was that first one. After that the drug took me over. My brain chemistry was already so screwed up by the rapes, molestation and physical, emotional and verbal abuse that I had endured since childhood that from day one I was a goner. I HATE BEING AN ADDICT!!! I hate that every time that I seriously try to live like normal people it always comes and wrecks my life again. You would think that an addict wouldn't have a weight problem well I guess that makes me special because I am 60lbs overweight. I am 50 years old and my addiction has stolen my life, my love and my chance to be the mom and grandma that I know I can be. This weekend
 was the worst I willingly handed over my ATM card to let someone get out money and they took it all. Over 800.00 gone and me sitting there looking stupid wondering how I am going to pay all the things that money was earmarked for.... I HATE BEING AN ADDICT