This blog is very emotionally draining for me. I have to visit places within myself that I keep walled off because the pain in these areas is so thick that it leaves me frozen for a time. There is so much I want to discuss, to get out but it starts to become a jumble when I begin. I am at the end of my rope in another failed relationship. I must be the hardest person alive to love. My addiction doesn't help and then I choose to love another addict. I know what you are thinking, I should get help with my addiction, well I spent several years in rehab and found out only one thing and that was that I would always be an addict, whether I am using or not. I am inactive as a user but an addict nonetheless. The man I love is active in his addiction, we separated because he was violent and I wanted us to work on us and now he has found another female to get high with. I went to spend the night with him and she showed up. I am hurting and somehow I still keep hanging on to the possibility of a loving relationship with this person, who obviously only loves himself and his drugs.
Why? I really believe that I can do no better. That if I let go of him I will have no one. I look in the mirror at the ravages that my hard living has done and see someone ugly and unlovable, Then I think about the fact that I am bipolar and have multiple personality disorder and I know there is no sane man anywhere that will ever be able to deal with all of that. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the age of 4 has left scars so deep that at age 52 I feel there is no hope for me at all.I get so tired of hearing that I should have gotten over it but there must be some trick to it because when I think on it I still feel all of the emotion as if it is new and ongoing. Is this why I am clinging to this man like a life raft? I need to feel that I am connected to something, to someone. I am confused and afraid. If I let go completely I will have no identity. I feel that even in all this pain I am connected to something tangible if cut him out of my life what is to stop me from drifting away.
Why? I really believe that I can do no better. That if I let go of him I will have no one. I look in the mirror at the ravages that my hard living has done and see someone ugly and unlovable, Then I think about the fact that I am bipolar and have multiple personality disorder and I know there is no sane man anywhere that will ever be able to deal with all of that. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the age of 4 has left scars so deep that at age 52 I feel there is no hope for me at all.I get so tired of hearing that I should have gotten over it but there must be some trick to it because when I think on it I still feel all of the emotion as if it is new and ongoing. Is this why I am clinging to this man like a life raft? I need to feel that I am connected to something, to someone. I am confused and afraid. If I let go completely I will have no identity. I feel that even in all this pain I am connected to something tangible if cut him out of my life what is to stop me from drifting away.
