This blog is very emotionally draining for me. I have to visit places within myself that I keep walled off because the pain in these areas is so thick that it leaves me frozen for a time. There is so much I want to discuss, to get out but it starts to become a jumble when I begin. I am at the end of my rope in another failed relationship. I must be the hardest person alive to love. My addiction doesn't help and then I choose to love another addict. I know what you are thinking, I should get help with my addiction, well I spent several years in rehab and found out only one thing and that was that I would always be an addict, whether I am using or not. I am inactive as a user but an addict nonetheless. The man I love is active in his addiction, we separated because he was violent and I wanted us to work on us and now he has found another female to get high with.  I went to spend the night with him and she showed up. I am hurting and somehow I still keep hanging on to the possibility of a loving relationship with this person, who obviously only loves himself and his drugs.

Why? I really believe that I can do no better. That if I let go of him I will have no one. I look in the mirror at the ravages that my hard living has done and see someone ugly and unlovable, Then I think about the fact that I am bipolar and have multiple personality disorder and I know there is no sane man anywhere that will ever be able to deal with all of that. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the age of 4 has left scars so deep that at age 52 I feel there is no hope for me at all.I get so tired of hearing that I should have gotten over it but there must be some trick to it because when I think on it I still feel all of the emotion as if it is new and ongoing. Is this why I am clinging to this man like a life raft? I need to feel that I am connected to something, to someone. I am confused and afraid. If I let go completely I will have no identity. I feel that even in all this pain I am connected to something tangible if cut him out of my life what is to stop me from drifting away. 

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

When I started this blog I was gung ho about having a place to write about me and my thoughts and what I was feeling. I was gonna go for full transparency. The title here tells it all, really. I have not been honest with myself. I have edited my feelings and my thoughts. I let the fear that others would be offended or embarrassed shackle me. I was petrified that my secret self would become known and that no one would ever speak to me again. I am at a stage in my life where I am forced to look me square in the eye and confront what I see there. The thing is that what I see scares me to death. I spent a lifetime letting the hurts that others have caused me determine my path and not for the better. I will talk about those things that were done to me and the things I allowed to happen and the things I should have not done. I will share on this blog my joys, my triumphs and my pain. I am praying that since I cannot afford medications and years of therapy that this will help me to heal and to grow stronger. Journey with me if you dare, if you have positive or negative feedback it will be welcomed. I am lost right now but this is the first step on the road to health and healing for me.

UPROOTED

I am still unemployed, and I have had to be uprooted yet again. One month ago I had to once again leave Jacksonville and go to Milwaukee. My mother is gravely ill. The last time I came here I lost my lucrative accounts and have yet to recover from that. I am making less than 50.00 a week and it is maddening. I do not have the needed to take on big projects because she needs constant attention. This is so very frustrating. I am thinking of going to the Home Health aid company and applying to be compensated for my work. I need an income. I have put on 25lbs from pure stress. I miss being in Florida it is already getting cold here. I lost my boyfriend last year and my best friend is holding my room for the day I return. I have been putting in at least 25 resumes a day on career builder with nothing to show for it...ugh I am feeling defeated but I will not go backward. I have been wanting to self medicate but that is not what I need. If I get a job call I must pass the piss test lol...will keep y'all posted...living in recovery is hard especially without a support group.

Domestic violence and drug Abuse

Many people who grow up in homes where abuse is prevalent turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with a life that they cannot control. The feelings of helplessness and fear are so great that they prefer to walk around in a haze to the reality of their lives. I lived this life by age 7 I was a full blown alcoholic and it progressed from there. The beatings, the sexual abuse and the emotional abuse was ongoing in my home and I just wanted out.

HONESTY

If you have a problem with transparency then you should not follow this blog i will talk openly and honestly about all aspects of my life. Yes this includes sexuality and some of it may be explicit. I ahve to write this blog the only way I know and often it will seem disjointed but that is just how my mind is. You see I live a shattered existence in more ways than one.

Life after Addiction

First I would like to say Happy Mothers Day to all of you. I would have liked to have heard that from the mouth of the children I gave birth to but I guess that will not happen today. It is all a part of living with the consequences of my failure as a person. 

Long ago I took the cowards way out of a bad situation. I ran instead of standing and fighting. I allowed fear of others turn me into persona non gratis in my children's lives. Now that I am older, cleaner and wiser I want to rebuild some of my life's bridges, there were not many that were completely destroyed but they all could use a face lift.

I love myself today and i now see myself as a capable human being but I still have a long way to go to make something out of what is left of my life. right now I an trying my hand at internet marketing but getting seed money to try those passive cash flow schemes is not easy. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Its complicated

What I find that people who are not addicted to anything do not understand is that the addictive personality is a complicated one. Take my life for instance I was in so much emotional pain all of my life that I do not see how I am not dead. I guess it is because if there is a hell I do not want to go there.  I am trying to remember moments of my childhood when i was happy and liked myself and in truth there are none.I remember feeling less than even as far back as kindergarten. I was made fun of for being short haired, dark and for having eczema. The single most painful event from that time period is the little girl from the farm down the road that had played with me all of my life turned on me and became my worst nightmare. I think a lot of my inability to make friends started right then. I get jealous when I see people who have been in each others lives forever, I get jealous because there is no one person who knows me at all. People know of me but no one really knows me inside.I do not have anyone to reminisce about the good old days with. My hurts has always kept me on the outside looking in.