This blog is very emotionally draining for me. I have to visit places within myself that I keep walled off because the pain in these areas is so thick that it leaves me frozen for a time. There is so much I want to discuss, to get out but it starts to become a jumble when I begin. I am at the end of my rope in another failed relationship. I must be the hardest person alive to love. My addiction doesn't help and then I choose to love another addict. I know what you are thinking, I should get help with my addiction, well I spent several years in rehab and found out only one thing and that was that I would always be an addict, whether I am using or not. I am inactive as a user but an addict nonetheless. The man I love is active in his addiction, we separated because he was violent and I wanted us to work on us and now he has found another female to get high with.  I went to spend the night with him and she showed up. I am hurting and somehow I still keep hanging on to the possibility of a loving relationship with this person, who obviously only loves himself and his drugs.

Why? I really believe that I can do no better. That if I let go of him I will have no one. I look in the mirror at the ravages that my hard living has done and see someone ugly and unlovable, Then I think about the fact that I am bipolar and have multiple personality disorder and I know there is no sane man anywhere that will ever be able to deal with all of that. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the age of 4 has left scars so deep that at age 52 I feel there is no hope for me at all.I get so tired of hearing that I should have gotten over it but there must be some trick to it because when I think on it I still feel all of the emotion as if it is new and ongoing. Is this why I am clinging to this man like a life raft? I need to feel that I am connected to something, to someone. I am confused and afraid. If I let go completely I will have no identity. I feel that even in all this pain I am connected to something tangible if cut him out of my life what is to stop me from drifting away. 

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

When I started this blog I was gung ho about having a place to write about me and my thoughts and what I was feeling. I was gonna go for full transparency. The title here tells it all, really. I have not been honest with myself. I have edited my feelings and my thoughts. I let the fear that others would be offended or embarrassed shackle me. I was petrified that my secret self would become known and that no one would ever speak to me again. I am at a stage in my life where I am forced to look me square in the eye and confront what I see there. The thing is that what I see scares me to death. I spent a lifetime letting the hurts that others have caused me determine my path and not for the better. I will talk about those things that were done to me and the things I allowed to happen and the things I should have not done. I will share on this blog my joys, my triumphs and my pain. I am praying that since I cannot afford medications and years of therapy that this will help me to heal and to grow stronger. Journey with me if you dare, if you have positive or negative feedback it will be welcomed. I am lost right now but this is the first step on the road to health and healing for me.

UPROOTED

I am still unemployed, and I have had to be uprooted yet again. One month ago I had to once again leave Jacksonville and go to Milwaukee. My mother is gravely ill. The last time I came here I lost my lucrative accounts and have yet to recover from that. I am making less than 50.00 a week and it is maddening. I do not have the needed to take on big projects because she needs constant attention. This is so very frustrating. I am thinking of going to the Home Health aid company and applying to be compensated for my work. I need an income. I have put on 25lbs from pure stress. I miss being in Florida it is already getting cold here. I lost my boyfriend last year and my best friend is holding my room for the day I return. I have been putting in at least 25 resumes a day on career builder with nothing to show for it...ugh I am feeling defeated but I will not go backward. I have been wanting to self medicate but that is not what I need. If I get a job call I must pass the piss test lol...will keep y'all posted...living in recovery is hard especially without a support group.

Domestic violence and drug Abuse

Many people who grow up in homes where abuse is prevalent turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with a life that they cannot control. The feelings of helplessness and fear are so great that they prefer to walk around in a haze to the reality of their lives. I lived this life by age 7 I was a full blown alcoholic and it progressed from there. The beatings, the sexual abuse and the emotional abuse was ongoing in my home and I just wanted out.

HONESTY

If you have a problem with transparency then you should not follow this blog i will talk openly and honestly about all aspects of my life. Yes this includes sexuality and some of it may be explicit. I ahve to write this blog the only way I know and often it will seem disjointed but that is just how my mind is. You see I live a shattered existence in more ways than one.

HONESTY AND TRUTH

I think the reason I am overweight again is because I am miserable and I eat to sooth my emotions. I just walked away from a 7 year live-in relationship. I left everything I had worked hard for behind because I was miserably unhappy. The thing is I am still unhappy buenposted when they I am no longer afraid and there is none of the physical and mental abuse. I have packed on a good 30 pounds and it is damaging me physically. I have to get this weight off and soon. I have about 1200.00 sitting in my paypal account that has not been released to me. I need it to get my total transformation kit and get on my way.

Dear Friends I made the biggest mistake ever, ran into the first real boyfriend I ever had on Facebook and we had a steamy written and telephone internet affair. I soon realized I was being cyber-stalked by this woman and she was always posting that she was with him at this place or that and she even posted when they had sex or he slept over. Now you know this guy said she was lying and yes they had a brief thing but it was nothing and that it was over. If you are shaking your head and going unh hunh, then we are on the same page. I played with ti for a little while cause it took my mind off the break-up.

there was talk of me joining him in his town and us making a go of it and yet...I could not mention on face book that we were an item...can you say "RED FLAG" ...I don't know what I found amusing the most that he thought I was that gullible or that he did respect me at all and thought I was un-worthy of the truth. Now I do not go in for emotional blackmail and this guy tried it with me not once but twice. Any time I had an issue with his callousness or questioned him about something she posted he said maybe we should just break it off. The second time he said it I did. You see the reason I know he was still with Barb cause she posted that he had said the same exact words to her. lol I am so glad I was not serious but playing in the first place but it was getting to the point that i was beginning to feel a bond and I will not allow myself to care for another insensitive boob ever.