This blog is very emotionally draining for me. I have to visit places within myself that I keep walled off because the pain in these areas is so thick that it leaves me frozen for a time. There is so much I want to discuss, to get out but it starts to become a jumble when I begin. I am at the end of my rope in another failed relationship. I must be the hardest person alive to love. My addiction doesn't help and then I choose to love another addict. I know what you are thinking, I should get help with my addiction, well I spent several years in rehab and found out only one thing and that was that I would always be an addict, whether I am using or not. I am inactive as a user but an addict nonetheless. The man I love is active in his addiction, we separated because he was violent and I wanted us to work on us and now he has found another female to get high with.  I went to spend the night with him and she showed up. I am hurting and somehow I still keep hanging on to the possibility of a loving relationship with this person, who obviously only loves himself and his drugs.

Why? I really believe that I can do no better. That if I let go of him I will have no one. I look in the mirror at the ravages that my hard living has done and see someone ugly and unlovable, Then I think about the fact that I am bipolar and have multiple personality disorder and I know there is no sane man anywhere that will ever be able to deal with all of that. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the age of 4 has left scars so deep that at age 52 I feel there is no hope for me at all.I get so tired of hearing that I should have gotten over it but there must be some trick to it because when I think on it I still feel all of the emotion as if it is new and ongoing. Is this why I am clinging to this man like a life raft? I need to feel that I am connected to something, to someone. I am confused and afraid. If I let go completely I will have no identity. I feel that even in all this pain I am connected to something tangible if cut him out of my life what is to stop me from drifting away. 

Domestic violence and drug Abuse

Many people who grow up in homes where abuse is prevalent turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with a life that they cannot control. The feelings of helplessness and fear are so great that they prefer to walk around in a haze to the reality of their lives. I lived this life by age 7 I was a full blown alcoholic and it progressed from there. The beatings, the sexual abuse and the emotional abuse was ongoing in my home and I just wanted out.

HONESTY

If you have a problem with transparency then you should not follow this blog i will talk openly and honestly about all aspects of my life. Yes this includes sexuality and some of it may be explicit. I ahve to write this blog the only way I know and often it will seem disjointed but that is just how my mind is. You see I live a shattered existence in more ways than one.

ADDICTION

I listen to or read about how others feel about people who are addicted to substances. Most of their hatred is based in misguided idealism that it is a choice. For me I do not believe I have ever had a choice. If I had known that I would end up the way I am today I would have never taken that first drink when I was seven years old. As for my crack/cocaine addiction the only choice I had with it was that first one. After that the drug took me over. My brain chemistry was already so screwed up by the rapes, molestation and physical, emotional and verbal abuse that I had endured since childhood that from day one I was a goner. I HATE BEING AN ADDICT!!! I hate that every time that I seriously try to live like normal people it always comes and wrecks my life again. You would think that an addict wouldn't have a weight problem well I guess that makes me special because I am 60lbs overweight. I am 50 years old and my addiction has stolen my life, my love and my chance to be the mom and grandma that I know I can be. This weekend
 was the worst I willingly handed over my ATM card to let someone get out money and they took it all. Over 800.00 gone and me sitting there looking stupid wondering how I am going to pay all the things that money was earmarked for.... I HATE BEING AN ADDICT