This blog is very emotionally draining for me. I have to visit places within myself that I keep walled off because the pain in these areas is so thick that it leaves me frozen for a time. There is so much I want to discuss, to get out but it starts to become a jumble when I begin. I am at the end of my rope in another failed relationship. I must be the hardest person alive to love. My addiction doesn't help and then I choose to love another addict. I know what you are thinking, I should get help with my addiction, well I spent several years in rehab and found out only one thing and that was that I would always be an addict, whether I am using or not. I am inactive as a user but an addict nonetheless. The man I love is active in his addiction, we separated because he was violent and I wanted us to work on us and now he has found another female to get high with.  I went to spend the night with him and she showed up. I am hurting and somehow I still keep hanging on to the possibility of a loving relationship with this person, who obviously only loves himself and his drugs.

Why? I really believe that I can do no better. That if I let go of him I will have no one. I look in the mirror at the ravages that my hard living has done and see someone ugly and unlovable, Then I think about the fact that I am bipolar and have multiple personality disorder and I know there is no sane man anywhere that will ever be able to deal with all of that. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the age of 4 has left scars so deep that at age 52 I feel there is no hope for me at all.I get so tired of hearing that I should have gotten over it but there must be some trick to it because when I think on it I still feel all of the emotion as if it is new and ongoing. Is this why I am clinging to this man like a life raft? I need to feel that I am connected to something, to someone. I am confused and afraid. If I let go completely I will have no identity. I feel that even in all this pain I am connected to something tangible if cut him out of my life what is to stop me from drifting away. 

Domestic violence and drug Abuse

Many people who grow up in homes where abuse is prevalent turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with a life that they cannot control. The feelings of helplessness and fear are so great that they prefer to walk around in a haze to the reality of their lives. I lived this life by age 7 I was a full blown alcoholic and it progressed from there. The beatings, the sexual abuse and the emotional abuse was ongoing in my home and I just wanted out.

HONESTY

If you have a problem with transparency then you should not follow this blog i will talk openly and honestly about all aspects of my life. Yes this includes sexuality and some of it may be explicit. I ahve to write this blog the only way I know and often it will seem disjointed but that is just how my mind is. You see I live a shattered existence in more ways than one.

Life after Addiction

First I would like to say Happy Mothers Day to all of you. I would have liked to have heard that from the mouth of the children I gave birth to but I guess that will not happen today. It is all a part of living with the consequences of my failure as a person. 

Long ago I took the cowards way out of a bad situation. I ran instead of standing and fighting. I allowed fear of others turn me into persona non gratis in my children's lives. Now that I am older, cleaner and wiser I want to rebuild some of my life's bridges, there were not many that were completely destroyed but they all could use a face lift.

I love myself today and i now see myself as a capable human being but I still have a long way to go to make something out of what is left of my life. right now I an trying my hand at internet marketing but getting seed money to try those passive cash flow schemes is not easy. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Waking Up

I have been clean a long time but I have still been addicted to much. I over eat I smoke and I still have a few beers now and then. I manage not to do any hard core drugs but these other addictions are taking their toll on my health. I am going through all of this alone without a friend or any other type of support system. Thank God for the Florida quit for life line. They are helping to quit smoking cigarettes without realizing how much more I needed. I take what I learn from my quit coach to handle other cravings like the ones I still get from my crack addiction. This is hard and with things going from bad to worse for me financially it is getting harder to stay the course. I am trying to turn my life around but it seems I am the only one that wants that. It is so hard sometimes, I can't find steady work, I can't get medical attention and this past month I became $800.00 in debt because of Amazon. I sold on their site for a third party, this person did not ship the items in time and now that all of the orders are shipped they are withholding my payment for 90 days. Now that would not be so bad but my credit union has already been hit for my portion of the wholesale payments for the products, hence the $800.00 is a lot of money for someone who is living virtually hand to mouth. In 90 days I will lose my bank account and my place to live. Some days death would be better but I cannot allow myself to think like this for much longer.

HONESTY AND TRUTH

I think the reason I am overweight again is because I am miserable and I eat to sooth my emotions. I just walked away from a 7 year live-in relationship. I left everything I had worked hard for behind because I was miserably unhappy. The thing is I am still unhappy buenposted when they I am no longer afraid and there is none of the physical and mental abuse. I have packed on a good 30 pounds and it is damaging me physically. I have to get this weight off and soon. I have about 1200.00 sitting in my paypal account that has not been released to me. I need it to get my total transformation kit and get on my way.

Dear Friends I made the biggest mistake ever, ran into the first real boyfriend I ever had on Facebook and we had a steamy written and telephone internet affair. I soon realized I was being cyber-stalked by this woman and she was always posting that she was with him at this place or that and she even posted when they had sex or he slept over. Now you know this guy said she was lying and yes they had a brief thing but it was nothing and that it was over. If you are shaking your head and going unh hunh, then we are on the same page. I played with ti for a little while cause it took my mind off the break-up.

there was talk of me joining him in his town and us making a go of it and yet...I could not mention on face book that we were an item...can you say "RED FLAG" ...I don't know what I found amusing the most that he thought I was that gullible or that he did respect me at all and thought I was un-worthy of the truth. Now I do not go in for emotional blackmail and this guy tried it with me not once but twice. Any time I had an issue with his callousness or questioned him about something she posted he said maybe we should just break it off. The second time he said it I did. You see the reason I know he was still with Barb cause she posted that he had said the same exact words to her. lol I am so glad I was not serious but playing in the first place but it was getting to the point that i was beginning to feel a bond and I will not allow myself to care for another insensitive boob ever.