Love Marriage and a Baby Carriage

Pre-Nuptial Agreement

My new philosophy about going into a marriage.  I believe that whether you have $1.00 or a billion or two you should not go into your marriage without discussing and spelling out a few things. In times past there was no need for a discussion on division of household duties, women took care of the home and children, the man brought home the money and he had no problem taking care of his wife's financial needs and most even gave them money that was theirs alone to spend as they wanted. Now with both people working it seems only fair that an equitable distribution of childcare and household duties be in play. A contract spelling out who does what jsut might help tone down the arguments.

Children: Not many people go into marriage without some talk of kids in the future or for some the kids are already there. What happens when we get angry and divorce is we make thechildren suffer because we are unhappy. If you decide in the beginning that no matter what happens to your personal relationship your children will not be used as pawns and on an equitable split of time and resources from both parties the child will suffer less. Decide on a percentage of child support and who pays when. If you are doing the 6month split the time you do not have the kid in residence is the time the other parent should be keeping their money in their pockets and you should contribute to their households. For instance instead of a dollar amount settle on a percentage of income that is to be paid in childsupport by both parties. It would not be fair to settle on $600.00 a month when you don't even make that much. It is more about showing a willingness to help out than getting over on somebody after all these children /child belong to both of you, their best interest should be a priority. If you settle this in the beginning when you are hurt and angry in the end you will not be able to strike out in a vindictive manner.

Finances: Yours-Mine-Ours should be the order of the day. If you have one household account and two seperate accounts things will work out much better. A portion of each income goes into the household fund for bills, major household purchases and such and then you have your personal money in yoru bank account. If he/she wants to give you a portion of their income for personal reason then that is great but do not ever get that confused with household expenses. Also this contract should also discuss the division of marital asssests. At this stage you include what you already own seperately and leave room to revisit that portion of the contract at intervals in your marriage. 

Debt: Discuss debt in detail, who owes how much and how you plan to pay it is one of the things many new couples fail to consider. Are you aware that once you marry you assume a portion of your spouses debt. When the bible said do not be unequally yoked I believe it included the debt load as well as the spiritual load. 

Parenting: Discuss whether you want children, when you want them and how you want to raise them in the beginning. This is where you nip problems in the bud so that once you are married you have a blueprint to follow. 

Well that is my thought about marriage, it is exactly what I would do if I were contemplating marriage today. What are your thoughts on the subject?

This blog is very emotionally draining for me. I have to visit places within myself that I keep walled off because the pain in these areas is so thick that it leaves me frozen for a time. There is so much I want to discuss, to get out but it starts to become a jumble when I begin. I am at the end of my rope in another failed relationship. I must be the hardest person alive to love. My addiction doesn't help and then I choose to love another addict. I know what you are thinking, I should get help with my addiction, well I spent several years in rehab and found out only one thing and that was that I would always be an addict, whether I am using or not. I am inactive as a user but an addict nonetheless. The man I love is active in his addiction, we separated because he was violent and I wanted us to work on us and now he has found another female to get high with.  I went to spend the night with him and she showed up. I am hurting and somehow I still keep hanging on to the possibility of a loving relationship with this person, who obviously only loves himself and his drugs.

Why? I really believe that I can do no better. That if I let go of him I will have no one. I look in the mirror at the ravages that my hard living has done and see someone ugly and unlovable, Then I think about the fact that I am bipolar and have multiple personality disorder and I know there is no sane man anywhere that will ever be able to deal with all of that. Sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the age of 4 has left scars so deep that at age 52 I feel there is no hope for me at all.I get so tired of hearing that I should have gotten over it but there must be some trick to it because when I think on it I still feel all of the emotion as if it is new and ongoing. Is this why I am clinging to this man like a life raft? I need to feel that I am connected to something, to someone. I am confused and afraid. If I let go completely I will have no identity. I feel that even in all this pain I am connected to something tangible if cut him out of my life what is to stop me from drifting away. 

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

When I started this blog I was gung ho about having a place to write about me and my thoughts and what I was feeling. I was gonna go for full transparency. The title here tells it all, really. I have not been honest with myself. I have edited my feelings and my thoughts. I let the fear that others would be offended or embarrassed shackle me. I was petrified that my secret self would become known and that no one would ever speak to me again. I am at a stage in my life where I am forced to look me square in the eye and confront what I see there. The thing is that what I see scares me to death. I spent a lifetime letting the hurts that others have caused me determine my path and not for the better. I will talk about those things that were done to me and the things I allowed to happen and the things I should have not done. I will share on this blog my joys, my triumphs and my pain. I am praying that since I cannot afford medications and years of therapy that this will help me to heal and to grow stronger. Journey with me if you dare, if you have positive or negative feedback it will be welcomed. I am lost right now but this is the first step on the road to health and healing for me.

UPROOTED

I am still unemployed, and I have had to be uprooted yet again. One month ago I had to once again leave Jacksonville and go to Milwaukee. My mother is gravely ill. The last time I came here I lost my lucrative accounts and have yet to recover from that. I am making less than 50.00 a week and it is maddening. I do not have the needed to take on big projects because she needs constant attention. This is so very frustrating. I am thinking of going to the Home Health aid company and applying to be compensated for my work. I need an income. I have put on 25lbs from pure stress. I miss being in Florida it is already getting cold here. I lost my boyfriend last year and my best friend is holding my room for the day I return. I have been putting in at least 25 resumes a day on career builder with nothing to show for it...ugh I am feeling defeated but I will not go backward. I have been wanting to self medicate but that is not what I need. If I get a job call I must pass the piss test lol...will keep y'all posted...living in recovery is hard especially without a support group.

Domestic violence and drug Abuse

Many people who grow up in homes where abuse is prevalent turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with a life that they cannot control. The feelings of helplessness and fear are so great that they prefer to walk around in a haze to the reality of their lives. I lived this life by age 7 I was a full blown alcoholic and it progressed from there. The beatings, the sexual abuse and the emotional abuse was ongoing in my home and I just wanted out.

HONESTY

If you have a problem with transparency then you should not follow this blog i will talk openly and honestly about all aspects of my life. Yes this includes sexuality and some of it may be explicit. I ahve to write this blog the only way I know and often it will seem disjointed but that is just how my mind is. You see I live a shattered existence in more ways than one.

Life after Addiction

First I would like to say Happy Mothers Day to all of you. I would have liked to have heard that from the mouth of the children I gave birth to but I guess that will not happen today. It is all a part of living with the consequences of my failure as a person. 

Long ago I took the cowards way out of a bad situation. I ran instead of standing and fighting. I allowed fear of others turn me into persona non gratis in my children's lives. Now that I am older, cleaner and wiser I want to rebuild some of my life's bridges, there were not many that were completely destroyed but they all could use a face lift.

I love myself today and i now see myself as a capable human being but I still have a long way to go to make something out of what is left of my life. right now I an trying my hand at internet marketing but getting seed money to try those passive cash flow schemes is not easy. I will keep you posted on my progress.